• Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them ...but your grandchildren are perfect!
• Going out is good. Coming home is better!
• When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"
• When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything ... movies, hotels, flights.
• You forget names ... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
• The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
• You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... especially golf.
• Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
• The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.
• Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
• Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
• You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married ... Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
• You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
• When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ... were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
• You use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?" ???
• Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
• Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M ...next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
• You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
• Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
• What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
• Everybody whispers.
• Now that your husband has retired ... you'd give anything if he'd find a job!
• You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never wear.

According to lead singer Mick Jagger, "Either we stay at home and become pillars of the community, or we go out and tour. We couldn't really find any communities that still needed pillars." Keith Richards piped in.... well, sorry, but no one could understand what Keith piped in with, as Ron Wood wiped the drool from his chin.

Some Stones songs have had to be revised for a more age-appropriate theme:

• "Under My Gums"
• "Dye It Black"
• "Let's Take a Nap Together"
• "You Can't Always Get What You Want, Without A Prescription"
• "I Can't Get No . . . Health Insurance"
• "Pain in My Heart - Where's My Nitro?"
• "Hey! You! Get Off Of My Lawn!"
• "Sister Motrin"
• "Sleep Fighting Man"
• "Help Me Up"
• "It's All Over Now, Just Pull The Plug"
• "Time Is On My Side (Well, Maybe Not)"

• You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
• You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
• Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
• You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
• You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large...In that order.
• You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Cumbaya..
• You keep repeating yourself.
• You start video taping daytime game shows.
• At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.
• You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.
• Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.
• At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
• Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
• When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.
• One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
• Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
• You keep repeating yourself.
• It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
• You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
• You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
• You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
• You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
• You look both ways before crossing a room.
• Your social security number only has three digits.
• You keep repeating yourself.
• You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
• You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.
• You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.
• The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."
• At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.

• Beat around the bush
• Jump to conclusions
• Climb the walls
• Wade through the morning paper.
• Drag my heels
• Push my luck
• Make mountains out of mole hills
• Hit the nail on the head.
• Bend over backwards
• Jump on the band wagon
• Run around in circles.
• Toot my own horn
• Pull out all the stops
• Add fuel to the fire
• Open a can of worms
• Put my foot in my mouth
• Start the ball rolling
• Go over the edge.
• Pick up the pieces.
• Kneel in prayer
• Bow my head in thanksgiving
• Uplift my hands in praise
• Hug someone and encourage them.
• What a Workout!

Rest At Last.

• You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
• 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
• You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
• You watch the Weather Channel.
• Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
• You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
• Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
• You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
• You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more.
• Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
• Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
• You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
• Dinner and a movie is the whole date, instead of the beginning of one.
• A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
• You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
• 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
• You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
• You read this entire list, looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you, but, can't find one to save your life.

• "I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type." Bob Hope
• "As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two..." Sir Norman Wisdom
• "Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late." Mike Tyson
• "You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." John Mendoza
• "As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." Robert Quillen
• "People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body." Geoffrey Parfitt

David McClure teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School in McKinney. He is also a Teacher Voices volunteer columnist.

"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

With a look of utter resignation, and waving his arm round, he says, "Which area did you park it in?"

" P4" she replies.

"P4? Lady, we don't have numbered parking areas."

"Oh, yes you do, I parked right next to the P4 sign."

A look of painful disbelief dawns on hos face. "Lady, that means you can park for four hours." Sigh.

What colour and make is your car, then?"

She might have been blond in a former life.

1. When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. Your best friend is dating someone half their age… and aren’t breaking any laws.
4. You wear black socks with sandals.
5. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
9. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
10. You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday

• Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
• When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
• You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
• I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
• One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
• One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
• Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
• Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
• If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

At the end of a week, the man returned for a follow-up visit to his doctor's office. The concerned doctor asked the old gent if he was feeling better. The man answered that he actually felt worse.

Then the doctor asked, "Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"

"No," replied the man, "All I could do was about fifteen minutes."

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her ...

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Grady hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Grady lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Grady, but one day, Fred approached the park and lo and behold! --there sat Grady!

Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Grady, what in the world happened to you?"

Grady replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail???" cried Fred. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Grady said, "you know Sue, that cute little red-headed waitress at the coffee shop where I go for lunch sometimes?"

"Yeah," said Fred, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me;" Grady replied "and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded "guilty!"

Grady slowly shakes his head from side to side and continues, "The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

• Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You feel like you really hung one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
• You get winded playing chess.
• Your children begin to look middle-aged.
• You join a health club and don't go.
• You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
• Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
• You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
• You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
• You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
• Dialing long distance wears you out.

Thoughts On Aging

• The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
• You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
• You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
• The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
• Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
• It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
• You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
• Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
• When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
• You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma 'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now the Alphabet:

• A's for arthritis;
• B's the bad back,
• C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
• D is for dental decay and decline,
• E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
• F is for fissures and fluid retention,
• G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
• H . high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
• I . for incisions with scars you can show.
• J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
• K is for knees that crack when they bend.
• L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
• M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
• N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
• O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
• P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
• just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
• Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
• R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
• S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
• T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
• U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
• V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
• W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
• X is for X ray, and what might be found.
• Y for another year I'm left here behind,
• Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

Though I'm getting more forgetful And something's slipping in my head;

I got used to arthritis, To my dentures I'm resigned.
I can manage my bifocals, But oh, how much I miss my mind.

For sometimes I cannot remember When I stand atop the stairs,
If I must go down for something Or if I've just come up from there.

And before the fridge, so often My mind is filled with nagging doubt.
Have I just put food away, or Have I come to take some out.

I called a friend not long ago, When they answered I just moaned.
I hung up quickly without speaking, For I'd forgotten who I'd phoned.

And when the darkness falls upon me I stand alone and scratch my head.
I don't know if I'm retiring, Or just getting out of bed?

Once I stood in my own bathroom, Wondering if I'd used the pot.
I flushed it just in case I had And sat down just in case I'd not.

So, now if it's my turn to write you. There's no need for getting sore
It may be that I think I've written And don't need to write no more.

Now I stand beside the mail box With a face so very red
Instead of mailing you the letter I have opened it instead.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.

There was quite a pause on the other end of the Phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

'I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too.'

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

• The Lawrence Welk Show that you hated as a teenager sounds pretty good now.
• All of the comedians that you used to laugh with on Ed Sullivan are dead now. Also, you knew that Ed Sullivan wrote a newspaper column before he went on television, didn't you?
• You remember when a Buick was built like a Sherman tank.
• Your after-school activity was playing baseball in the neighborhood with all of the kids.
• You remember you wearing out three pair of Keds in one summer playing basketball in your driveway.
• There were only two rock 'n roll radio stations in your metro area at one time. Country stations were only heard in the South.
• Do you remember variety shows on television? One or two were on every night.
• You are surprised to see that your best friends when you were a kid look just as old as you do. And all you talk about is high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and retirement homes.
• Less and less people are coming to your class reunions now.
•  As you continue to visit are care for your parents, a little thought in the back of your head is that soon you will be watched over by your kids, too. Also, you never realized that old age came so quickly.

• You thought that cottage cheese didn't come in a milk carton, but you ate it anyway.
• You can't find your toupee, so you went to work without it. You found it later when your dog brought it to you.
• You think that Barbara Walters is some sexy chick.
• You are upset to find out that they don't make needles for your phonograph any longer.
• Your grandchildren come over for a visit. You remember all of their names, but cannot recall their parents'.
• You don't bother to go outside and fetch the newspaper, because you cannot read it anyway.
• You cannot taste anything without a couple shakes of Tabasco sauce on it.
• The trinkets that you originally put on your shelf used to be called "keepsakes". Your kids now call them "nick-nacks".
• You used to be happy with five channels on your television. Now cable has 304, and you cannot find the remote to change off of the Cartoon channel your grandkids put it on last month.
• When you complain, nobody takes you seriously any longer.

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said

He asked, 'Do you gamble, or drive fast cars?' 'No,' I said. He looked at me and said,....

'Then, why do you even care?'