So she drove the boat to shore.

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion, and my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked..

"Czechoslovakia."

• Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor--and you don't care.
• You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
• Popsicle's become a food staple.
• Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
• You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
• You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
• You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
• You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
• You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
• Your kid throws up and you catch it.
• You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

"Gee," Bob remarked later, "you really make a big fuss over your wife".

"I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage and we couldn't be happier."

Inspired, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife and told her how much he loved her and said he wanted to hear all about her day. But she burst into tears. "Honey," Bob said, "whats' the matter?".

"This has been the worst day," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off his bike and broke his ankle, then the washing machine broke. Now to top it off, you come home drunk!".

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

"Wonderful, for a while," the other says. "I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, one day, poof! It was all gone."

"What a shame," the friend says. "What on Earth happened?"

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________
2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______ IQ: ________GPA: ______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________ DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________ CITY: _________ ZIP ______
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain: _______________________________________________
7. Number of years parents married: ___________
8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATTOO? ____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "Late" mean to you?
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________
14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely - all answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone - I promise):
    1. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the ____________
    2. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________
    3. A women's place is in the __________________
    4. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________
    5. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to "E" begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________
16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_____________________ Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now)

A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.

"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"

"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.

"America," Morris replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife.

He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"

"Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he said, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."

Morris looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked "Morris what took you so long to answer?

Morris replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Saturday afternoon, the convict surrender himself to police.

When asked why he gave himself up after his first taste of freedom for twelve years, the con replied, "When I finally got home, the first thing my wife asked me was, 'Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago'."

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,

"Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag!"

Test 1 – Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

• Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
• Leave it there.
• After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

• Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
• Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
• Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge:  Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.  Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 - Nights.  To discover how the nights will feel:

• Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
• At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
• Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
• Set the alarm for 3am.
• As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
• Go to bed at 2.45am.
• Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
• Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
• 9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
• 10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

• Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
• Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

• Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
• Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
• Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
• Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
• Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk

• Wait.
• Go out the front door.
• Come back in again.
• Go out.
• Come back in again.
• Go out again.
• Walk down the front path.
• Walk back up it.
• Walk down it again.
• Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
• Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
• Retrace your steps.
• Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
• Give up and go back into the house.
•  
• You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7 - Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

• Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
• Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
• Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

• Hollow out a melon.
• Make a small hole in the side.
• Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side.
• Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
• Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
• Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 - TV

• Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
• Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess - Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

• Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
• Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
• Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
• Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

• Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly.

Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.

• Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations

• Start talking to an adult of your choice.
• Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work

• Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
• Put on your finest work attire.
• Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it.
• Stir.
• Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
• Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
• Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.
• Do not change (you have no time).
• Go directly to work

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for £30,000 the amount of insurance on the barn.

"We don’t give you the money," a company official explained.

"We replace the barn and all the equipment in it."

"In that case," replied the wife, "cancel the policy I have on my husband."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she has changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

The first guy replied, "No, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

• Nicknames: If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah . If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
• Eating out: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
• Money: A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
• Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
• Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
• Future: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• Success: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
• Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
• Natural: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

• When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
• Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home
• A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face
• Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
• An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
• Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
• Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
• A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
• Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
• The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

and lastly...

• Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Damn. That must be my husband!"

So the man jumped out of the bed; and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.  A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court seeking a divorce.

The judge asks the young husband, "What has brought you to the point that you feel you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband answers, "Your Honour, in the six weeks I have been married, we have been unable to agree on a single thing."

His wife says, "Seven weeks."

..., slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking... but I have stopped fishing.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

Mother and six-year-old daughter are in the garden, looking to see how many passion fruit are on the vine. "There's not many, are there," says the youngster.
"No. There's a real shortage of bees that pollinate the flowers."
As the girl looks around, she sees a flock of birds settling in a nearby tree, and asks, "Can birds pollinate?"
"No, dear. They poopinate."

As I rise from the evening meal, I begin to cough. "Problem?" my wife asks.
"Bit of an allergy, I think."
"Well, it ain't to food."

I demur from an order. "Listen," she responds, "if you want to oppose, stand for parliament. In this house you agree. Capice?"

My dear one thought of getting into the counseling game many years ago when we ran a nursing home. She'd employed a very lovely young lady as a cook, but who happened to be a transvestite. Our ten- year-old daughter asked her mother soon afterwards, "Mum, why has Robin got whiskers?"

At a recent dinner with our daughter and her husband, the similarity of mother-daughter careers and likes/dislikes was summed up succinctly by the mother: "We're feathers off the same bird." No one dared ask for the bird's credentials.

A moment ago she came in from seeing the local doctor. "What'd he say?" I ask
"I've got to use CS."
"Cephalosporin?" I'm incredulous.
"No, dopey, common sense. You know, that commodity in such short supply among the learned."

"When are you going to fix the hole in the ceiling?" (From a botched DIY project)
"When you put away your junk on the sofa."
10 minutes later, she was on the stepladder with ruler and pencil, measuring the hole.
"What are you doing?"
"Fixing the hole."

An avowed activist, she startled me out of a reverie with "I'm going on a hunger strike!"
"Yeah? What against?"
"My weight."

He told her not to bother as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then off to bed.

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off."

Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood.

Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher said, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?"

One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet.

"So, Mr. Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?"

"No, sir", the man replied, "I'm just standing for my wife's first husband!"

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your Friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.

"In our house we don't spray and wipe, we pray and swipe."

Friend: "What's it like being a grandmother?"
"After all these years, I reckon I'm a qualified grad-mother, and I can tell my kids where they're going wrong."

"I see that world leaders are getting together to tackle the financial crisis," say I.
"Marx predicted it! 'Wankers of the world unite. You've nothing to lose but your chins!'"

After watching a political candidate during a debate: "Everyone's entitled to their ten minutes of lame."

At a dinner party: "Do you like counseling?"
"Oh, I love it! Now… tell me where have I gone wrong?"

Our youngest, then five, says to her mother, "what's wrong with dad?"
"He's in a bad mood."
"How do you know?"
"I saw him put it on this morning."

"Mum. I need a mobile phone. Please??"
"Sure. Use your father - he's mobile, and phony most of the time."

An acquaintance says "In Austria they say that if you hear a cuckoo you should jiggle the change in your pocket and it will increase."
"Ah… there's a cuckoo clock in our bank. Must save them having to add interest."

Me: "I see the experts are saying we're headed for a recession."
"Boy, are they ever overqualified."
"Eh?"
"Even the paper boy knows that."

"I'm worried about your son." (MY son? A sure sign that things are really bad)
"Oh? Why?"
"He's a bedophile."

As the computer boots up: "I knew you'd been downloading porn."

"What?"

"Well, it starts off with an ad or something for motherboards. So I know what you've been into."

After answering the doorbell one Saturday afternoon, then screaming, running into the family room with angry eyes, clad in an old pink chenille dressing gown: "You go. It's the police… they want…"

"What do they want?"

"I don't know. They're from the blasted fashion division."

Having spent many hours planning the seating for an important dinner, the stress of two late acceptances was volcanic. After staring at the plan, then out the window at length, a maniacal grin appeared, all the place names were gathered together, then thrown high in the air. "Let the cards fall where they will." Problem solved.

When asked by a friend to pay $100 each for tickets to a charity ball, her reply? "Sorry, no can do. These days we're living on the smell of an oily shoe-string."

Visiting again, six months after having given a clothes dryer to his mother for her birthday, our eldest says: "How's the clothes dryer going?"

"OH, I haven't used it yet."

"Why not?"

"I'm saving it for a rainy day."

"But it's raining today, and you've just put the washing on the line."

"The rainy day I'm talking about is when I can't get out to the line. But thanks for thinking of my old age." (Her 70th was next week)

She applied for a position as a counselor at a major school. When she returned from the interview, I asked "Well, did you get it?"

"Yeah, I reckon so. Counseled the principal for 45 minutes, gave her a bill for $90, and she paid. She's that dumb. The kids won't be as easy."

After several hours of spontaneous observations, all to the point and mostly acidic, I said "Living with you is better than going to the comedy festival."

She colored slightly, then replied "I knew you'd married me for my levity."

That was not the only thing, of course.

Except:

• How to cook.
• How to clean.
• How to manage money.
• How to wipe up spilled water.
• How to drive.
• How to write a check.
• How to answer a phone.
• How to do math’s.
• How to be polite.
• How gas is paid for.
• How cell phone bills are paid.
• How to work the can opener.
• How to sweep, dust or vacuum. How to make a bed.
• How to do laundry.
• How dictatorships work.
• How to stop talking.
• How to get a job.
• How important it is to finish high school.
• How the world actually works.

She can text. And she can argue. What else does she *possibly* need to know in life??

I’d like to trade her in. For a puppy.