Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote.

The last few nights HE done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"

"'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!' He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on, plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'."

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

How do you defrost something? You warm it up of course. And how do you warm things up? You get a fire going.

Grdn retrieved some old newspapers, stuffed them under the engine and lit them. Whether or not he wandered off out of concern for his safety or

simply though boredom, I do not know. However, wander off he did and was therefore downgraded from a candidate for a Darwin to an Honourable Mention when his car exploded in a fireball. A heartbroken Grden told local media: "I couldn't start the engine and realised it was frozen. I decided to warm it up. Now my lovely car is destroyed".

Luckily, Grden now thinks he has identified what went wrong. "Maybe I used too much paper", he said.

He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.

Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can.

Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??

Let's talk about the dog: it's a highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. Especially well trained at retrieving things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.

One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck..

The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.

Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!

And you thought your day was not going well.

... in search of the ultimate high, and 12 hours later stunned workers found him -- stuck to the floor!

"I've seen dumb people in my life, but this guy takes the cake," says Florence Mabely, a glue-viscosity tester at the Durable Fit Glue Company in Sydney, Australia.

"He was covered in contact cement from head to toe. We had to pry him off the concrete with shovels and a crowbar like he was a slab of linoleum tile and all the time he was squealing like a stuck pig.

"He was screaming and hollering, 'Don't hurt me! Oh, God, just don't hurt me!'

"I kept telling him to shut up or I'd super-glue his mouth shut and scrape him off the floor with a fork lift."

Henderson, 19, told cops he occasionally sniffs glue to relax and hallucinate and decided that the glue factory was a good spot to pursue "a massive high."

He said he sneaked into the 65,000-square-foot plant through an open window and made a beeline for the blending room, where industrial- strength glues are mixed in giant stainless steel vats.

The room is vented by an array of 12 oversized exhaust fans to protect workers from volatile fumes that in low doses can make a human hallucinate and feel giddy, but in higher doses can cause brain and organ damage and even kill you.

Henderson told police he turned off the fans and took several deep breaths -- "huffing," in the parlance of addicts, who usually breathe glue from a paper bag with its opening held tight around their nose and mouth.

"I seen visions of Jesus and the devil and a space alien with a big head," Henderson told police. "I also seen the King of rock 'n' roll -- what's his name? Elvis? And somebody else I can't remember... it might have been Michael Jackson or that other singer, Kurt Cobain."

It's not entirely clear what happened next, but this much is known by police: Henderson knocked over a 500-gallon vat of gooey contact cement... and slipped and then rolled in it."

The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped right in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions...

Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, dividing the flames into two easily controllable parts.

Now the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm and crops had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck!!"

My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00) I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank:"...excuse me ....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)"

CitiBank: "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

1. I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
    
2. Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
    
3. A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!

Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, One giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.

But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA though it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded.

Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.

His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.

His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

True story.

... that was also to have been carried out on 9/11/01. The terrorists' attempts were thwarted and many lives were saved.

Mexico's intelligence agency uncovered a plot to fly an Aeromexico jet into the Torre Latina in Mexico City on September 11, sources told La Jornada. According to one source, the Terrorists failed to carry out their nefarious deed for a number of reasons. The following is a timeline of events:

Sunday, September 9, 13:25 hrs: The two terrorists arrive at Benito Juarez Airport. They board a taxi and head downtown. Taxi cab breaks down two miles from the hotel after being stuck in traffic for two hours. Terrorists board a second taxi. The driver turns out to be a "pirata." He takes them to La Neza, Mexico City's infamous neighborhood. The taxi driver's cronies assault the terrorists and steal their luggage. It is presumed that the terrorists' boxcutters were resold on the black market.

Monday, September 10, 01:23 hrs: Exhausted, the terrorists finally arrive at hotel. Spend the rest of the morning on the toilet. Witnesses told police they saw the two men eating tacos and raspados from a street vender a few blocks away from the hotel. "We thank Montezuma for his help in this matter," said one investigator.

Monday, September 10, 21:34 hrs: Dehydrated but still committed to their mission, terrorists meet with local contact, who hands them a pair of boxcutters. "Hey!" said one terrorist. "This is my boxcutter! Look, these are my initials!" Under questioning by local authorities, the local contact claims he bought the boxcutters from a street vender in La Neza.

Tuesday, September 11, 08:00 hrs: Terrorists arrive at Benito Juarez Airport. Mexicana and Aeromexico airline mechanics are on strike. All flights are cancelled or delayed. Demonstrators block the runways and loot the airport stores.

Tuesday, September 11, 11:35 hrs: Terrorists finally return to hotel. They decide to blow up the Torre Latina with dynamite. Local contact finds large sticks of dynamite for $100,000. Terrorists order wire transfer from Yemen. They never get their money. Later that day, the money mysteriously appeared in the bank manager's briefcase. "We are investigating this matter fully," said Bancomer president. "But so far our hunch is that we have a hero on our hands." Mexican newspapers are reporting that the bank manager became suspicious of the two Arab looking men and held on to the money. He says he tried to call police, but the phones were down. TelMex denies any wrongdoing, but hailed the bank manager's good sense. The whereabouts of the money is still unknown.

Tuesday, September 11, 21:56 hrs: Terrorists obtain funds from local thug. They buy the dynamite and head for the Torre Latina. They park their rented vehicle outside the Torre and enter the basement to inspect where to place the dynamite. Upon returning to the car, they find the windows have been smashed, the stereo stolen, and the dynamite nowhere in sight. A child appears and asks terrorists if they would like to buy fireworks for the upcoming independence day festivities. Child shows them the dynamite. "That's our dynamite!" one terrorist exclaims in broken Spanish. Child bursts out laughing. "Dinamita?" he squeals. "Que Pendejos."

Tuesday, September 11, 23:59 hrs: Terrorists jump off or are thrown off the balcony of their hotel room. Local authorities are investigating. One newspaper attributes the heroic deed to Super Barrio, the masked defender of the poor. Others suspect terrorists became so enamored by the warmth and hospitality of the Mexican people that they could not bring themselves to carry out such an atrocious deed. One witness says he heard one of the terrorists shout in broken Spanish, "Hijos de la chingada!" as he plunged to his death. Experts in suicide suggest that the terrorist was referring to his cronies back in Afghanistan.

Wednesday, September 12, 08:00 hrs: Mexican president assures the Mexican people in a nationally televised address that his government is prepared to handle any contingency. "Make no mistake about it," he said. "Terrorists will not succeed here. Viva Mexico!"