• Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don't know each other.
• They drive side by side, too. If they can't find another slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane.
• Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in their rear view mirrors, either.
• Slow people drift sideways so they'll block the path of anyone trying to pass them. If two people or vehicles are trying to get around them at the same time, they drift into the path of the one that is moving at the highest speed.
• Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you'll wind up with soggy ice cream every time.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'"

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.

The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

We have TRIED our very BEST.

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.

Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

• Witch Is Liquidated, Original Perpetrator Escapes in Balloon.
• Cowardly Jungle Creature Struck On Proboscis by Illegal Alien In Forest.
• Revered Government Leader exposed as fraud by Terrier
• Alien Drops in on Midget community after Flying House crashes After Storm.
• Before Party, Munchkins Discover Body of Local Celebrity Under Crashed House.
• Forest Invaders Attempt to Access Poppy Field for Opium
• Oz Wizard Cannot Control Balloon, leaves Passengers Behind.
• Strange Kansas Farm girl Sports Mysterious Red Shoes
• West Witch Drops in and Surprises Party with Smoke and Fire.
• Oz Inhabitants Just Walk Around, Sing and Act Happy.
• Oprah Winfrey Is New Good Witch of the South
• Shirley Temple is Disguised Munchkin.
• W.C. Fields Turns Down Wizard Role When He Is Told Not To Juggle.
• Buddy Ebsen Says that Silver Makeup Turned Him Into A Hillbilly.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

• Dan Antopolski – "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
• Paddy Lennox – "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'"
• Sarah Millican – "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."
• Zoe Lyons – "I went on a girl's night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill.' I went as Rose West."
• Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending."
• Adam Hills – "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."
• Marcus Brigstocke – "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"
• Rhod Gilbert – "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble".
• Dan Antopolski – "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."
• Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) – "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

Some of the worst jokes told at this year's Fringe include:

• Carey Marx – "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad".
• Stephen Carlin – "There are so many 'failed train' announcements at stations these days. It's not rolling stock, it's laughing stock."
• Celia Pacquola – "My mind is like a cement mixer. It's grey, thick and always moving."
• Rhys Darby – "I don't believe in guns. Literally; I don't believe they exist."
• Frank Woodley – "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."
• Anna and Katy - "I dated a woman from the Chinese State Circus. One time I took her upstairs for a 69. She said, 'I'm not cooking at this time of night.'"
• Alex Maple – "Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children."
• Phil Nichol – "She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase – minging."
• Denise Van Outen – "A brunette, a red-head and a blonde break out of Holloway Prison. They hide in a barn from the police and get into some sacks. The police come in and feel the sack with the brunette in it - she goes 'miaow'! They go on to feel the sack with the red-head in it - she goes 'woof!' Finally they feel the sack with the blonde in it. The Blonde shouts: potatoes!"
• Alistair McGowan - "I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more..."

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting on the dock, fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer.

His buddies asked, "How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Dave?"

Dave replied: Last night I came home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown

my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go

fishing. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So I Did and Here I Am!

Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favourites. By the way, none of them worked.

A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.

A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.

A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."

An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."

A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."

"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."

When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Express way was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."

One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."

An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"

Two mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"

"To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!" says Ruth. "She doesn’t get out of bed until 11. She’s out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."

"Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?"

• Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
• Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
• Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
• Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
• Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
• Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
• Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
• Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
• Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
• Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. It was evident that she had become very loose and trampy but he still saw the good in her and wanted to win her back. But she became annoyed. Since she now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a photo of herself in an unmentionable position with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was very upset. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

Doctor: 'Oh, that's nothing to worry about. Just have a few drinks before your dinner - that will soon wake you up.'

Patient: 'Thanks very much, doctor! But when I consulted you before, you told me to cut out drinking alcohol completely.'

Doctor: 'Yes, so I did. But that was last week, old chap - and medical science has progressed enormously since then.'

• Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.
• Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, "in hundreds".
• Call a political candidate’s campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacy.
• Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die.
• When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (Whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)
• Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan.
• Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it.
• Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified.
• Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an "access fee" for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.
• Circulate a petition to put "intelligent human beings" on the endangered species list.

He called them into his shop. "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.

The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off! About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency. "And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

• #1. Dear Mr. Butcher; Starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
• #2. Dear Mr. Milkman; We found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. PS. Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats?"
• #3. Selma; Don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...
• #4. Dear Mr. Exterminator; Be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
• #5. To whom it may concern; Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched.

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That’ll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

• Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
• Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
• Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.
• P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.
• Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell.
• Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
• Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
• Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
• Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
• Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
• Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
• Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
• Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
• Cisco - Side kick of Poncho.
• Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share.
• Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share.
• Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

• You can't make out the driver through the window and the bobble head dolls on the back deck.
• The back bumper was bumped off in New Jersey.
• Has a bumper sticker on the back panel saying "Don't like my driving--call 1-800-I-don't either".
• None of his back lights work at a stoplight.
• His turn signal is broken, his arm is not out signaling, he's giving you the finger.
• The back window has been shot out previously by police in the town next to yours.
• All fifty of his bumper stickers are covering rust-out spots.
• One of the rear wheels is missing.
• The last tune-up was done before the car was painted after it's life as a New York cab.
• The driver used to drive the scenic roads above St. Thomas, Virgin Islands at breakneck speeds.
• You notice that he's the escaped con from the local prison.
• The last mode of transportation before this car that he operated was a yak.

... and that is a major increase from ten years ago when one in four had the disease. They claim that the reasons are that Americans are getting older and fatter and do not take care of themselves. I believe the real cause is that we know more about hypertension than we did in the past and can recognize it and control it, albeit by drugs. But some of us (me included) are using the drugs as well as weekly exercise to offset the effects. But there has to be more reasons for this surge in high blood pressure. Here may be some examples:

1. You come home at night and find out that your seven-year-old has been left alone with the television on set to the "Whoopie" channel.
2. Your new American-made automobile which now costs over $30,000 when you bought it three months ago is now scheduled for its fifth recall—it seems that the steering wheel may fall off at any moment.
3. Your old "calm and peaceful" radio station which you used to use to fall asleep to has been replaced by the "Screeming Meemies Hard Metal Station" and you cannot find a replacement.
4. Your wife enters the room and announced that her car has been in an accident. She missed her mark and smashed into your car while sitting in the garage.
5. You log on to your computer website and in your bank website you discover that someone has hacked into your area, stolen your money and changed your password. You find out later that the hacker was your faithful gardener Manuel.
6. Your teenaged daughter arrives in a leather outfit designed by Elvira and announces that the biker friend that she has been going out with for three months is no longer infected and they plan to get married in Morocco as soon as his divorce is finalized.
7. You cannot find a worthy candidate that you can vote on for president. One started a war and is cuddly. The other one thinks that he looks like Lincoln, talks a lot but lost most of his brains in Vietnam. The third one is in it for the exercise. You are still looking for a replacement for Teddy Roosevelt.
8. You go over to your mother's house for dinner and her favorite meatloaf. This time, she mentions that to save calories and be healthy, she has replaced the ground beef with Gardenburger. Even her ketchup is made out of soy.
9. A peaceful drive in the country is interrupted two cars up in line with a jerk playing metallic rock with super speakers that are shaking the foundations of the houses surrounding him. You cannot even hear your wife talking. You pull up to the offender and find out that it's the local police chief in his cruiser.
10. Your dog brought into the house a present for you---a live skunk.

• Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
• Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
• You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
• Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
• You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
• World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
• CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
• Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
• Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
• You're sweating' gravy.

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown

Posted to Craig's List Personals:

Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST

I was the  guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girl friend. You also asked for my girl friend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girl friend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

- Alex

24. Yellow Pages - This year will be pivotal for the global Yellow Pages industry. Much like newspapers, print Yellow Pages will continue to bleed dollars to their various digital counterparts, from Internet Yellow Pages (IYPs), to local search engines and combination search/listing services like Reach Local and Yodle Factors like an acceleration of the print 'fade rate' and the looming recession will contribute to the onslaught. One research firm predicts the falloff in usage of newspapers a nd print Yellow Pages could even reach 10% this year -- much higher than the 2%-3% fade rate seen in past years.

23. Classified Ads - The Internet has made so many things obsolete that newspaper classified ads might sound like just another trivial item on a long list. But this is one of those harbingers of the future that could signal the end of civilization as we know it. The argum ent is that if newspaper classifieds are replaced by free online listings at sites like Craigslist.org and Google Base, then newspapers are not far behind them.

22. Movie Rental Stores - While Netflix is looking up at the moment, Blockbuster keeps closing store locations by the hundreds. It still has about 6,000 left across the world, but those keep dwindling and the stock is down considerably in 2008, especially since the company gave up a quest of Circuit City. Movie Gallery, which owned the Hollywood Video brand, closed up shop earlier this year. Countless small video chains and mom-and-pop stores have given up the ghost already.

21. Dial-up Internet Access - Dial-up connections have fallen from 40% in 2001 to 10% in 2008. The combination of an infrastructure to accommodate affordable high speed Internet connections and the disappearing home phone have all but pounded the final nail in the coffin of dial-up Internet access.

20. Phone Landlines - According t o a survey from the National Center for Health Statistics, at the end of 2007, nearly one in six homes was cell-only and, of those homes that had landlines, one in eight only received calls on their cells.

19. Chesapeake Bay Blue Crabs - Maryland's icon, the blue crab, has been fading away in Chesapeake Bay. Last year Maryland saw the lowest harvest (22 million pounds) since 1945. Just four decades ago the bay produced 96 million pounds. The population is down 70% since 1990, when they first did a formal count. There are only about 120 million crabs in the bay and they think they need 200 million for a sustainable population. Overfishing, pollution, invasive species and global warming get the blame.

18. VCRs - For the better part of three decades, the VCR was a best-seller and staple in every American household until being completely decimated by the DVD, and now the Digital Video Recorder (DVR ). In fact, the only remnants of the VHS age at your local Wal-Mart or Radio Shack are blank VHS tapes these days. Pre-recorded VHS tapes are largely gone and VHS decks are practically nowhere to be found. They served us so well.

17. Ash Trees - In the late 1990s, a pretty, irridescent green species of beetle, now known as the emerald ash borer, hitched a ride to North America with ash wood products imported from eastern Asia. In less than a decade, its larvae have killed millions of trees in the midwest, and continue to spread. They've killed more than 30 million ash trees in southeastern Michigan alone, with tens of millions more lost in Ohio and Indiana. More than 7.5 billion ash trees are currently at risk.

16. Ham Radio - Amateur radio operators enjoy personal (and often worldwide) wireless communications with each other and are able to support their communities with emergency and disaster communications if necessary, while increasing their personal knowledge of electronics and radio theory. However, proliferation of the Internet and its popularity among youth has caused the decline of amateur radio. In the past five years alone, the number of people holding active ham radio licenses has dropped by 50,000, even though Morse Code is no longer a requirement.

15. The Swimming Hole - Thanks to our litigious society, swimming holes are becoming a thing of the past. '20/20' reports that swimming hole owners, like Robert Every in High Falls, N.Y., are shutting them down out of worry that if someone gets hurt they'll sue. And that's exactly what happened in Seattle. The city of Bellingham was sued by Katie Hofstetter who was paralyzed in a fall at a popular swimming hole in Whatcom Falls Park. As injuries occur and lawsuits follow, expect more swimming holes to post 'Keep out!' signs.

14. Answering Machines - The increasing disappearance of answering machines is directly tied to No 20 our list -- the decline of landlines. According to USA Today, the number of homes that only use cell phones jumped 159% between 2004 and 2007. It has been particularly bad in New York; since 2000, landline usage has dropped 55%. It's logical that as cell phones rise, many of them replacing traditional landlines, that there will be fewer answering machines.

13. Cameras That Use Film - It doesn't require a statistician to prove the rapid disappearance of the film camera in America. Just look to companies like Nikon, the professional's choice for quality camera equipment. In 2006, it announced that it would stop making film cameras, pointing to the shrinking market -- only 3% of its sales in 2005, compared to 75% of sales from digital cameras and equipment.

12. Light Bulbs - Before a few years ago, the standard 60-watt (or, yikes, 100-watt) bulb was the mainstay of every U.S. home. With the green movement and all-things-sustainable-energy crowd, the Compact Fluorescent Lightbulb (CFL) is largely replacing the older, Edison-era incandescent bulb. The EPA reports that 2007 sales for Energy Star CFLs nearly doubled from 2006, and these sales accounted for approximately 20 percent of the U.S. light bulb market. And according to USA Today, a new energy bill plans to phase out incandescent bulbs in the next four to 12 years.

11. Stand-Alone Bowling Alleys - BowlingBalls.US claims there are still 60 million Americans who bowl at least once a year, but many are not bowling in stand-alone bowling alleys. Today most new bowling alleys are part of facilities for all types or recreation including laser tag, go-karts, bumper cars, video game arcades, climbing walls and glow miniature golf. Bowling lanes also have been added to many non-traditional venues such as adult communities, hotels and resorts, and gambling casinos.

10. The Milkman - According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, in 1950, over half of the milk delivered was to the home in quart bottles, by 1963, it was about a third and by 2001, it represented only 0.4% percent. Nowadays most milk is sold through supermarkets in gallon jugs. The steady decline in home-delivered milk is blamed, of course, on the rise of the supermarket, better home refrigeration and longer-lasting milk. Although some milkmen still make the rounds in pockets of the U.S., they are certainly a dying breed.

9. Hand-Written Letters - In 2006, the Radicati Group estimated that, worldwide, 183 billion e-mails were sent each day. Two million each second. By November of 2007, an estimated 3.3 billion Earthlings owned cell phones, and 80% of the world's population had access to cell phone coverage. In 2004, half-a-trillion text messages were sent, and the number has no doubt increased expon entially since then. So where amongst this gorge of gabble is there room for the elegant, polite hand-written letter?

8. Wild Horses - It is estimated that 100 years ago, as many as two million horses were roaming free within the United States. In 2001, National Geographic News estimated that the wild horse population had decreased to about 50,000 head. Currently, the National Wild Horse and Burro Advisory board states that there are 32,000 free roaming horses in ten Western states, with half of them residing in Nevada. The Bureau of Land Management is seeking to reduce the total number of free range horses to 27,000, possibly by selective euthanasia.

7. Personal Checks - According to an American Bankers Assoc. report, a net 23% of consumers plan to decrease their use of checks over the next two years, while a net 14% plan to increase their use of PIN debit. Bill payment remains the last strongh old of paper-based payments -- for the time being. Checks continue to be the most commonly used bill payment method, with 71% of consumers paying at least one recurring bill per month by writing a check. However, on a bill-by-bill basis, checks account for only 49% of consumers' recurring bill payments (down from 72% in 2001 and 60% in 2003).

6. Drive-in Theaters - During the peak in 1958, there were more than 4,000 drive-in theaters in this country, but in 2007 only 405 drive-ins were still operating. Exactly zero new drive-ins have been built since 2005. Only one reopened in 2005 and five reopened in 2006, so there isn't much of a movement toward reviving the closed ones.

5. Mumps & Measles - Despite what's been in the news lately, the measles and mumps actually, truly are disappearing from the United States. In 1964, 212,000 cases of mumps were reported in the U.S. By 1983, this figure had dropped to 3,000, thanks to a vigorous vaccination prog ram. Prior to the introducton of the measles vaccine, approximately half a million cases of measles were reported in the U.S. annually, resulting in 450 deaths. In 2005, only 66 cases were recorded.

4. Honey Bees - Perhaps nothing on our list of disappearing America is so dire; plummeting so enormously; and so necessary to the survival of our food supply as the honey bee. Very scary. 'Colony Collapse Disorder,' or CCD, has spread throughout the U.S. and Europe over the past few years, wiping out 50% to 90% of the colonies of many beekeepers -- and along with it, their livelihood.

3. News Magazines and TV News - While the TV evening newscasts haven't gone anywhere over the last several decades, their audiences have. In 1984, in a story about the diminishing returns of the evening news, the New York Times reported that all three network evening-news programs combined had only 40.9 million viewers. Fast forward to 2008, and what they have today is half that.

2. Analog TV - According to the Consumer Electronics Association, 85% of homes in the U.S. get their television programming through cable or satellite providers. For the remaining 15% -- or 13 million individuals -- who are using rabbit ears or a large out door antenna to get their local stations, change is in the air. If you are one of these people you'll need to get a new TV or a converter box in order to get the new stations which will only be broadcast in digital.

1. The Family Farm - Since the 1930s, the number of family farms has been declining rapidly. According to the USDA, 5.3 million farms dotted the nation in 1950, but this number had declined to 2.1 million by the 2003 farm census (data from the 2007 census hasn't yet been published). Ninety-one percent of the U.S. farms are small family farms.

"In a closet," he replied. "I wanted to know what life really is."

"And have you found an answer?"

"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."

"That's all well and good," replied the colleague, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"

"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."

• People at work who leave their desk radio on all the time, and assume that EVERYBODY likes Bolivian zither music.
• People who assume that you are not Irish if you forget to wear green on St. Patrick's Day.
• People who come up and begin a conversation with, "did you ever hear the one about...."
• People who think that you are low class just because you drive a 1974 Pinto with racing stripes and fuzzy dice in the front window.
• Teal anything.
• News anchors who ask a fake spontaneous question of a on-air reporter who always seems to have the correct answer. Why cannot someone just say, "I really don't know, Bob!"
• Someone in the "Under 10 item" line with fifteen items and two sets of unruly twins that need a diaper change.
• The speeder went past you going fifty in a thirty, and the cop pulls you over for having a blinker missing instead.
• A Joy: A day when Howard Stern, Oprah, Rush Limbaugh, Andy Rooney and Mancow have absolutely nothing at all to say at all.

• Every year, thousands of old drugs get replaced by new. Here is how to tell that yours is going to be replaced:
• Your drug now has new initials after its old name like Zippedee APF
• The cost of your old drug has gone down to under fifty dollars to meet generic competition.
• The commercial spokesman used to be a local announcer. Tony Bennett is touting the new one.
• You discover that your drug now comes in a tablet that looks like aspirin instead of gelcaps.
• Your doctor cannot get samples of your drug any longer.
• Suddenly there are unconfirmed reports of new side effects on your pill that you never heard of before.
• Your old drug is now being combined with another old drug to form a new and expensive new drug with new premium prices.
• Your old advertising spokesman for your drug died fifteen years ago.
• You can understand all of the information about the drug including its formula name and the name of its inventor.
• It is preferred by AARP.

Morris, as a young man in the Old West, wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So Morris walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man.

Young Morris did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The young Morris didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.

"No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good, that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.' Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely, Bill Clinton

• Bring in a mop bucket and ringer and use a fake Polish accent, shout something about 'I don't want to go back to Warsaw' As you rattle it through the store.
• At the rush check out counter, go through all of your credit cards twice before you hand over the MasterCard with the signature needed on it. Then argue with the Pakistani check-out lady in French.
• "I want American Made Goods!!"--you shout as you run through the front door in your Uncle Sam suit and American flag.
• Chain all of their carts together at the cart corral.
• At the check out, make sure all of the items you have in your cart have pricing questions, so that the lines behind you are even longer.
• As you leave, shout, "I demand to see Sam Walton!!"
• Rig the blood pressure machine in the pharmacy to read double.
• Make sure all of your returns are in Target or K-Mart bags.
• Use up all of the paper towels in the bathrooms and flush them down the toilet and then run.
• Always knock over a couple of can displays per aisle--especially the busy ones.
• Always remove clothes from a rack and throw them around. If anyone asks, you say that it keeps the associates working and doing their job.
• Give the old greeter a high-five when you come in the store. If it's an old lady, use both hands—knock her down!