My wish

Dolores Hans
MSMU class of 2025

(12/2023) When we were kids, everything we needed was provided to us by our parents. All our needs for basic survival, but also for happiness and enjoyment of life. If we needed something more, like sports shoes or money for a field trip, they provided that too. But if we saw something on TV that we wanted, or there was a trending video game, or we suddenly wanted to pick up the hobby of crocheting, more often than not our parents said to put it on our letters to Santa. There was a special time during the year, Christmas time, when we had a chance to ask for the unreasonable wants on our hearts, the things we wouldn’t normally ask our parents for because they were already providing us with the necessities of life. But with the prospect of Santa and magic, we believed we could ask for the things we wanted without it costing too much or being told we couldn’t have it. My parents provided a lot for me when I was young, even when it seemed like we had nothing. I still feel weird about splurging money on the things I want because I am used to only having the necessities. Christmas was the one time a year I could ask for something outrageously awesome and not worry about it coming from my parents. Then I got older, and once I knew the truth about Santa, I never again asked for my heart’s desires because I didn’t want to inconvenience my parents.

My wants and desires have changed though. I no longer want to possess material things. Well, I do, but my reliance on them has changed. Christmas now, as an adult, is a time full of playfulness and beauty, romance and tradition. I find myself daydreaming about spending the holidays with the love of my life, my beloved, and all that we could experience together. Dancing in the snowfall under the streetlights, getting cozy by the fireplace, baking cookies and listening to jazz, laughing while watching Christmas movies, decorating our tree, building snowmen, getting together with our families, and starting our own traditions. When I am asked what I want for Christmas, my first thought is to say that I want an engagement ring. But I don’t want a ring, I want a proposal. I want him to ask me to spend my life with him. Then I think to say that I want a wedding. But I don’t want a wedding, I want a marriage. All the things I desire can be had without physical material possessions. Santa provided us with the idea that anything is possible, and that magic can create the things we wish for, if we simply ask. How I wish that were as true for me now as it was for me then, back when I was young.

If I still had the opportunity to make a secret letter, listed with my biggest hopes and dreams, and hand it to my mother to be sent to the North Pole, and in a couple weeks I would wake up with those hopes fulfilled, what would I ask for? If I were to write to Santa today, assuming he can fulfill my wishes with ease and magic, as we all assumed when we were kids, I know I would ask for gifts that are more like assurances than physical presents.

Dear Santa. Merry Christmas! I am excited to write to you again. It’s been a while. This year, I am asking for things that I have never asked for. I am not asking for the typical things that I ask for every year. I am not asking for jewelry or clothes, nor am I asking for cookbooks and painting supplies. I have no need for rings or sweaters, or canvases or vintage recipes. Not when I have my beloved. His arms provide more warmth than a million sweaters. His body, a canvas I paint with my kisses. Our love is more timeless than old fashioned sweets, and I don’t need a ring on my finger to symbolize the love we share. I do ask, however, that you gift me a sign. A sign that the future I dream of is coming my way. A simple house that I can make a home for us, a secure job for him that aligns with his passions, healthy and happy children that I can nurture and provide for. I ask that you gift me the ability to keep Christmas joy in my heart year-round, so I can joyously and ceaselessly grant my family’s every wish. So that I can show my children how to care for others and share their laughter generously and have pride in their goofy qualities. I ask that you gift me a stronger heart, to bear more suffering and sacrifice so that I can still be grateful and present in the tough times. I ask that the one whom I hold in my heart be the one I spend my life with. In partnership, in love, and in happiness. I ask that you gift me as many opportunities as possible in this life to be by his side through every up and down, every adventure, every new experience, every laughter, smile, tear, hug, morning, evening, night, thunderstorm, first snowfall, summer vacation, and everything in between. This year, the only thing I want, the only thing I truly long for, is a life with him. So, Santa, just a recap in case you didn’t get it: I want the picket fence and a house I can make a home. I want constant joy so I can spread joy to others. I want a sign that the future I want is coming to me. I want endless opportunities to share this life with the man I love, and for him to be the one that builds a future with me. Thanks! Merry Christmas! P.S. Don’t fall off the roof.